Dear Seriously Overexcited Beings, hereafter referred to as SOB’s,

I trust that I find you all in good health. I am assured that at least your lungs and vocal cords seem to be in top form.

I gathered from your blatant dismissal of my note last Sunday that you do not wish to be the sort of neighbors who are friendly with one another. As the week progressed, I have further concluded that you do not wish to be the sort of neighbors who wave, smile, nod, know each other’s names, or make intentional eye contact.

However, since we share a mutual wall, I would have hoped that some graces of common, social decency remain intact. Your rather raucous behavior over the past few nights has proved otherwise. While it must be rather thrilling for you, SOB’s, to live what I’m sure you believe is a rather bohemian lifestyle here, two blocks from an Ivy League school which you attend and your parents pay for, please understand that not everyone can live so vicariously. Some people, including many of your immediate neighbors, have what is called a “real life.” The demands and rigors of this “real life” require hours of uninterrupted sleep during what I shall call “reasonable hours,” usually falling somewhere between 11 PM and 7 AM.

Unfortunately, your fits of giggles and abnormally loud conversations for which you seem to shout for no reason tend to take place somewhere around 3 AM. This happens to fall right in the middle of the “reasonable hours” I mentioned above. Furthermore, you seem to be under the impression that retreating to the balcony outside makes your late-night tête-à-têtes less audible. As the eastern wall of my room borders that balcony, I can assure you that it is not soundproof. Your exploits might be marginally excusable were last night a Saturday night, however it was Thursday and the night before that a Wednesday. As it is August, I can only hope that your behavior will subside with the advent of classes at that Ivy League school which you attend and your parents pay for. You have less than two weeks, dear SOB’s.

I truly hope I have not offended you with my words, SOB’s. It is possible that this is all new information for you. I know I speak for my roommate when I say that we would not wish to put any strain on the warm, intimate, neighborly relationship we have cultivated over the last two weeks.

Sincerest regards,

The tenant with a “real life” in 1305A