My Facebook is blowing up with people who are angry that they didn’t die in a wave of glory from Hurricane Irene. Silly me, I thought avoiding natural disasters was a positive thing. What do I know? I live in a landlocked desert. The only thing weather-type thing that scares my neighbors is the Arabic root word used to describe it. HABOOB! And while I’m at it: ALCOHOL! MAGAZINE! ZERO! And for good measure: MONSOON!

Anyway, back to the hurricane Debbie Downers. Allow me to apologize on behalf all non-sentient weather systems everywhere. I am sorry you are not dead. I extend to you my deepest condolences that your roofs did not blow away, your windows did not break, and your basements did not flood. This is absolutely dreadful news. It must be such a heavy burden to know you must face tomorrow completely unscathed (albeit a little wet). I am also sorry that you seemingly spent a fortune on water and batteries and in preparation for your imminent demise, you did not keep the receipts.