It’s that time of year. The time during which we are bombarded by holiday pop culture icons we have come to know and love. You know what I mean…that deer with the floodlight nose, a boy with blue blanket quoting the Gospel of Luke, 19th century ghosts, Will Ferrell. Of course, this time of year this means we must contend with the most villainous of all holiday characters: Frosty the Snowman.

I hate Frosty. I loathe and despise him. He is a frozen fiend, mocking and mangling an otherwise joyous time of year. I invite you to examine the evidence I have accumulated against him over the years.

Exhibit A: He is a thief.
Frosty stole that hat. He stole it from the magician. What’s worse, he uses his influence over the children to prevent them from realizing the right thing to do is return to the hat. He is leading children, our innocent children, down the path of immorality.

Exhibit B: His thievery is stifling the economy.
The magician threw away his hat because he thought it didn’t work. He thought he was a failure. When it proved to have magical powers, of course he wanted it back! He is a professional magician. This is his livelihood! This is his means of putting food on the table! He might have a family for all we know. He might have a mortage. Furthermore, think of all he could do with that magic hat. He could open a magic shop and hire magic shop employees. He could be a small business owner! The hat is his contribution to the country’s economy! Frosty doesn’t contribute anything with that hat. Except lawlessness and general mayhem.

Exhibit C: He openly flouts basic traffic safety regulations.
And I quote: “He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop, and he only paused a moment when he heard him holler STOP!”

Exhibit D: Thumpity thump thump = blunt force trauma.
What is he doing with that broomstick? Thumpity thump thump? Running here and there all around the square, singing “catch me if you can?” He’s beating people down with the broomstick and running off, taunting them in his wake.

Exhibit E: His soul is a deep, dark abyss of unspeakable horror.
How do I know this? His eyes are made of coal. What kind of creature has eyes made out of coal? Coal! What naughty children receive instead of presents! The black, dusty consequence of evil doing! His eyes, the windows to the soul, are made of that which all children fear most! If his eyes are coal, what is his soul made of? What must it look like? I shudder to think of it. Jolly, happy soul? That’s what he wants us to think.

Exhibit F: Frosty is the product of a marketing nightmare.
Frosty was a holiday special by Rankin/Bass aka all the people responsible for the old-school stop motion holiday movies. Frosty was the first and only one that isn’t stop-motion. Meaning they didn’t care enough to try. Meaning they just wanted to get yet another Christmas special out there they could market, retail, and sell. Yes, the song came first but that doesn’t make it much better. Frosty the Snowman was specifically written for Gene Autry to follow up on the “Rudolph” craze. And in turn, “Rudolph” was originally a coloring back from the 1930’s made by a department store.

I guess I should hate Rudolph most of all, for starting this whole concept of creating holiday specials for the sole purpose of regurgitating them every year for money (like the stupid ABC Family movies) and making all kinds of merchandise. But that movie actually has really interesting messages about bullying and how society should embrace diversity.

But Frosty’s movie? Just shows he’s a jerk.