I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Actually, that’s an understatement. I have barely been sleeping at all lately. It is becoming a rare event that I sleep more than three consecutive hours in any given night. This is distressing. I love to sleep. I hate being tired. I think Sleep is great. In fact, the Art of Sleeping is one of my favorite hobbies. So is the Art of Drinking Coffee but that hasn’t been helping much these days. I don’t know what I did to make Sleep mad at me. Maybe it’s jealous of all the Zelda I’ve been playing on the weekends. I’m sorry, Sleep. But Zelda needs me. I have to save the reincarnated spirit of the goddess from the evil creature Demise, thereby saving the future kingdom of Hyrule. Is that it, Sleep? Are you mad at the Wii? Or is it something else? Maybe you’re still holding a grudge from some misdeed in the past. I’m sorry I didn’t like napping back in the day, Sleep. I take back all the times when I was little and I didn’t want to nap. I’m sorry, Sleep! What more do you want from me??

I have honed in on three potential causes of my sleep deprivation:
1.) Residual stress from that thing that I do for eight hours a day and some people give me money for it.
2.) The hippo in steel-toed boots that lives upstairs.
3.) The fact that my mind won’t just shut off.

Now let’s break them down:

1.) Sometimes I wonder if I missed my true calling as a karaoke bar owner or a Disneyland frozen lemonade vendor. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

2.) I have recently discovered that there’s not a lot that the neighbor can do about making thumpity thump thump noises upstairs. The insulation in the ceiling is pathetic. I know because one night I was getting incredibly fed up with the stomping and decided to fight back. I took my Swiffer out of the closet and took careful aim at the ceiling. I only meant to tap the ceiling, calmly but firmly. The noise that followed fell just short of a sonic boom. The upstairs stomping came to an abrupt halt. I ran and threw the Swiffer back in the closet, turned off all my lights, and sat in a huddled ball, hoping the neighbor wouldn’t come banging on my door. No one did. The cat, however, has yet to forgive me. Or the Swiffer. Still, that doesn’t mean that I find the stomping any less annoying. Sometimes it sounds like the neighbor is pacing. At 3 AM. I get the need for a late night bathroom break or a drink of water, but why is it necessary to walk back and forth fifty consecutive times in the middle of the night? What could be going on up there?

3.) I start thinking about the most ridiculous and random things. I must have sleep ADD. I think about the most random things. Even if I try to clear my head, it becomes an endless loop of me thinking that I really need to sleep. “I’m so tired, I need to sleep, I want to sleep, my eyes are closed but nothing is happening, I really need to just FALL ASLEEP, why can’t I fall asleep, STOP STOMPING AROUND UP THERE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???”

Maybe Ernie has the right idea here…